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Assertiveness
We provide a 2-day assertiveness training course providing comprehensive, hands-on tuition on increasing your assertiveness skills. This free resource provides a range of advice and information to help you as a reference guide:
“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”
Raymond Hull
Those who have been conditioned to please may envy those who can effortlessly ask for what they want and need. Those who have no problem asking for what they want do not usually know that there are others around them bending over backwards to please them.
If you are one of those people who worry about pleasing or offending others to the detriment of your own needs it may be time to think of ways to readdress your fears, build up your confidence and learn to say what you want. It’s no good feeling resentful when others take advantage of you if you are allowing them to. They may not even be aware of your feelings if you do not express them.
What is assertiveness?
Being assertive is the art of getting understood by others by being neither aggressive nor passive, but by stating your needs clearly and effectively.
Assertiveness is:
- Being able to stand up for yourself
- Making sure your opinions and feelings are considered
- Not letting other people always get their way
- A way of communicating and behaving with others that helps people to become more confident and aware of themselves
- A skill that can be learnt
Assertiveness is not:
- Aggressiveness, you can be assertive without being forceful or rude
Almost everyone, at some time will find themselves in situations where they find it difficult to express themselves clearly. Examples might be:
- Dealing with angry people
- Communicating our true feelings to friends and family
- Dealing with unhelpful shop assistants, call centres etc.
Often situations such as these may be dealt with by holding in feelings and not expressing them, or getting angry or simply giving in whilst still holding resentment. This usually leaves a person unhappy, with a feeling of not being in control and the problem remains unresolved.
When these responses to difficult situations become a habit it can lead to a loss of confidence which compounds the problem.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on February 7th, 2007 | No Comments »
“Assertiveness is not what you do, it’s who you are!“
Shakti Gawain
Learn how to be more assertive on our comprehensive Assertiveness Course.
Not knowing how to be assertive can cause you to feel:
- Depressed as a result of unexpressed anger
- Angry at others for manipulating or taking advantage you
- Helpless
- Hopeless
- That you have no control over your life
- Resentful
- Frustrated
- Lonely
You may start to feel despondent and angry with yourself for being weak. You may ask yourself why did I let someone victimise me?
You may find your self at time blowing up with rage, repressed feelings can build up inside us.
Anxiety about situations can lead to avoidance. It is worth learning to feel confident about being assertive in order to move forward and enjoy more that life has to offer.
Being non-assertive can lead to poor relationships at home and a work. Non-assertive people can find it difficult to express emotions of any kind, negative OR positive. Relationships that work usually consist of two people that can tell each other what they want and need and how the other person affects them. Other people cannot read your mind. Learning to be assertive can lead to more fulfilling relationships at home and at work.
Not being able to express your feelings can lead to physical complaints like headaches, ulcers, and high blood pressure. Stress causes all kinds of complaints, and learning to be assertive can relieve stress and anxiety.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on February 7th, 2007 | No Comments »
Assertiveness is not something that comes particularly easily to some people and these people often convince themselves that it is not worth their time and energy to even try and be assertive. However whilst this is an easy excuse it is not correct. Learn the benefits of being assertive on our Assertiveness Training Course.
People who are more assertive than most are more likely to be fulfilled in their work and their lives as they are not afraid to ask for what they want or go after it. It is also the case that due to this attitude it is far more likely that they fulfill their potential, again both socially and at work. In turn this will lead to them being more satisfied with their lives and so more happy and at ease. They will not be as stressed as others since they have less to be stressed about and live healthier and happier lives.
The same cannot be said for those who are too passive or afraid to ever be assertive. Whilst those who are assertive are more likely to be successful and more fulfilled at work, for those who are too passive the opposite is all too often true. Due to not being able to be taken seriously or make themselves heard, they will not have achieved as much as they could have and are left less than their potential and ability dictated they could achieve. The same can be said outside of the workplace, i.e. their social lives.
On the other hand however those of us who are too aggressive will again only help to hinder their performance both in and out of work. They will often be too abrasive for many people to get along with, this means that people won’t want to work with them, and they certainly won’t want to strike up any relationship with them. Getting along with people is a big part of any working environment and is a necessity if you ever wish to progress through the ranks. Being too aggressive will also harm those around you as they are may be too afraid of you to offer any opinions or ideas and so your very presence is stifling to any creative thought, it is also true that because of this you alienate you from your team members and you will be left out.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on April 17th, 2009 | No Comments »
The balance between passivity and aggressiveness can sometimes be a difficult thing to find. Many find themselves being too passive in a situation which demands a more direct and confident approach, whilst others, in an effort to correct this, are too aggressive and domineering. Assertiveness is neither being passive or aggressive but rather making your opinions be heard, recognised and respected. It is the ability to withstand outside pressure and bias and stay true to what you know is right. Understand the advantages of being assertive on our comprehensive Assertiveness Course.
Assertiveness and leadership often go hand in hand and whilst it is true that leaders often are assertive, it does not mean that they are the only ones that should be. For instance if we take a look at the dynamic of a team, it doesn’t take much to see that if some members of that team are holding back their ideas because they are too scared or feel that their opinions won’t matter then the team will struggle to achieve the best result. On a more individual note assertiveness can benefit your career, you social status and even help you define a better sense of who you are, enhancing not only your ability to reach your goals but the self belief to dream of such goals in the first place.
One of the fundamental elements to being more assertive is to believe what you say matters whilst, and perhaps this is often overlooked, respecting other people’s opinions. Being assertive means not only making yourself heard but also taking into account what other people are saying to achieve the best results. Assertiveness is not bloody mindedness; it is being clear and direct without being so overly dominant it sets people against you.
When talking to someone turn to face them, look them in the eye and speak clearly and confidently. Be willing to give an honest opinion and don’t be afraid to say no, saying yes does not always equal respect, it is the confidence and determination to stick to your guns that people will admire. Be pro active, start conversations, this way it’ll be you who’s immediately setting the tone for the relationship, don’t dawdle or beat around the bush, if you want something ask for it, there is no point in stumbling out a mumbled question which will only result in you having to repeat it, which will undermine and embarrass you.
It is also worth noting that people will respond better to any aggravation you have if you do not blatantly direct it at them, for instance instead of saying “you make me so angry”, say “ I am so angry”, there is nothing wrong with expressing your feelings but make sure you don’t make the situation worse by hurting anyone else’s.
It is not just what you say, but how you say it. Your facial expressions and tone of voice are an important factor in determining the dynamic of a relationship and can often mean more than what you are actually saying. Don’t be too cautious about letting your sense of humor show, it is not a weakness, in actual fact it is a strength, if you find something funny don’t be afraid to laugh, you will often find other people will join in after they see it is O.K to do so. In fact if this situation does arise and other people do join in it is a good sign, it means that you have become the person that the group looks to for guidance, your opinions and even your approval.
Assertiveness is a balance between self belief and respect and can be a somewhat difficult one to get right. Being assertive has many benefits and it is certainly the case that whilst you may feel you are doing just fine as you are, if you don’t back yourself and your own opinions then neither will anyone else.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on March 16th, 2009 | No Comments »
Learn to Be Assertive In a Positive Way
You could break this down into four stages
1. Change the way you react to situations:
You need to change the way in which you see assertive behaviour. Work on developing a belief system which allows you to assert yourself. This may take some work. It means:
- Giving yourself permission to be angry
- Learning to say “No”
- Feeling it is OK to ask for help
- Not beating yourself up when you make mistakes
Basically it is all about building self confidence and self esteem. Learning to be assertive means working in these areas too.
2. Learn some Assertiveness Skills.
You could develop your assertiveness skills through attending our Assertiveness Training Course.
3. Use good communication skills
Learn to use your body language and control your feelings and reactions.
- Maintain direct eye contact
- Keep your posture open and relaxed
- Be sure your facial expression agrees with the message
- Keep a level, well-modulated tone of voice
- Select an appropriate time to be assertive
4. Practice
You won’t learn how to become a more assertive person just by reading, you will need to practice. You can practice on your friends and family, choose someone understanding and it is best to tell them what you are doing first! Ask for feedback on how you’re doing. In the long run, communicating honestly can help your relationships.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on February 7th, 2007 | No Comments »
It is easier to be assertive in some situations than in others. With your partner or you boss you may find it difficult to ask for something for fear of making them angry or upset. It is much easier to risk upsetting a stranger, a shop assistant or call service operator. However the more important the relationship is to you, the more important it is to be assertive. Assertiveness leads to increased respect from others; they will begin to see you as a person who respects him/herself, a worthwhile person. Ultimately this makes you easier to live with! Learn the appropriate moments to be assertive on our Assertiveness Course.
In any situation, however it is important to consider whether you can live with the consequences of your assertive actions. There are people who will almost always react negatively to assertive people. A dictatorial and aggressive boss may be known for being aggressive towards any request that is not immediately to his/her benefit. You could risk losing your job if you choose an assertive stance. You could decide to leave your job, but if this is not an option you will need to learn alternative stress management techniques.
If you have been non-assertive for a very long time, those around you are going to be in for a bit of a shock when you change your behaviour. They may be confused or angry. It may be better to discuss what you are trying to do and why you are trying to do it before practising being assertive with them. It is important to remain compassionate; remember being assertive is not about always getting your own way.
Choose your moment carefully and don’t be accusationary, focus on the ways a situation makes you feel and express this rather than blaming the other person for the need to change your behaviour. Then tell them how you mean to deal with those feelings, for example:
“When we do this or that, I feel frustrated or overwhelmed; I don’t feel I have the space to express my point of view. I am afraid to upset you and then I resent the fact that my feelings have been overlooked even though I know I haven’t expressed them. So what I need to do in future is ask you to stop and let me express myself, or to give me time to think before giving you an honest response.”
It sounds reasonable doesn’t it?
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on February 7th, 2007 | No Comments »
Being assertive and building your self confidence is not really difficult. Nor does it mean becoming excessively dominant. Becoming assertive means learning to:
- Resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people
- Stand up to bullies
- Have more control in situations that are important
Learn a range of techniques to be more assertive on our Assertiveness Training Course.
First let’s look at the character traits of the overly controlling and dominant.
Most people are not naturally assertive. Excessively dominant people are driven by their personality and usually by their insecurities. It is these overbearing and dictatorial personalities that present most problems for those trying to learn to improve their own reasonable levels of assertiveness. Excessively dominant people are usually bullies, they need to dominate others because they are too insecure to allow others any amount of control even if it would be reasonable to do so. It is usually deeply ingrained in their personalities, caused by events from their past. Their inability to allow others to question them makes it unlikely that they will change. It is not your job to try and change them, what you need to do is learn to change yourself, so that you can retain your self respect and develop ways to have your needs considered.
Non assertive people will usually give in to the excessively dominant, for fear of aggression or disapproval, unfortunately this simple reinforces the behaviour of the bully. He/She is getting what they want – total compliance. They have been practicing this behaviour for a long time, probably since childhood and found that it works for them. They get what they want, they satisfy their ego, and they take total control. They often surround themselves by people who will not question them because they are afraid of judgment, scrutiny, and interference. As these people have learned to behave like this, it is not something that they can easily control. One of the hardest things for the non assertive person to do, but a very important step is to feel sympathy for the bully!
Learning to be assertive is not learning to be a bully; it is learning to resist the pressure and dominance of bullies. Learning the techniques below is a good start. If you persevere and succeed you will definitely improve your self esteem and feel better about yourself. You must learn to choose when to be assertive, non-assertiveness is appropriate in many situations. You may need to be assertive to be able to defend yourself, and make choices. It is about taking control of your own life, not controlling others.
Techniques and methods for developing self-confidence and more assertive behaviour
Be prepared
If you about to discuss something that is important to you have as many facts as you can at hand before you start any discussion. Bullies usually dominate through force and reputation. State the facts clearly and do not deviate. Dominant people will often try and throw you by bringing irrelevant criticism into a discussion, do not be tempted to defend yourself, just bring the conversation back around, say something like, I would like to discuss the point in hand, and repeat your request or point of view. If possible prepare your facts, do your research, then you will be able to make a firm case, and be perceived as being someone who is organised and firm.
Anticipate other people’s behaviour and prepare your responses
Think about how the discussion might go – role-play in your mind how things are likely to happen. Think about what the other person might say and prepare responses. You will be more confident if you are prepared then being assertive will come more naturally to you.
Prepare good open questions.
Using good open questions will expose any flaws in other people’s arguments. Asking good questions is the most reliable way of keeping a discussion on track. They can be used to diffuse an aggressor or steer the discussion back to the point in question if the other person digresses into a personal attack. Ask what evidence someone has to back up their viewpoint. Ask if they have consulted anyone else. Ask them if they have any alternatives. If the discussion is personal in nature, you may wish to ask, how do you think that makes me feel? If your questions are ignored, don’t be put off, just repeat or rephrase it.
Practice new reactions to facing aggressiveness
There are ways in which you can help yourself by relearning ways of reacting to dominant people:
- You can learn new and more effective ways that can give you more time to compose your response; dominant people can fire their opinions at you like rapid machine gun fire, causing you to loose control
- You can learn to be firm and repeat your message and not be knocked off course.
An easy way to start is simply by visualising yourself being firmer, asking clearly for what you want/need, asking clear precise questions, and presenting well-prepared argument supported with facts.
You may need to learn to give yourself time, and ask for it. Don’t be bulldozed into giving an instant response, say:
- I need time to consider what you have said
- I’m not sure about that
- I need more time to make a decision
- I don’t want to be rushed
- OK let me think about that and I’ll get back to you
The fear of being shouted at can be a real discouragement to standing up for yourself. Just think, what is the worst that can happen if someone shouts? Now think, what’s the worst that can happen if I allow people to walk all over me? It could be that as a child you learned to avoid confrontation and arguments. You may associate shouting with bad memories or feelings. The truth is when someone shouts at you are not physically hurt, it is your own reaction to the shouting that causes you discomfort and anxiety. You can control your own feelings and reactions with practice. Breathe deeply, relax and watch the other person loose their temper, and then respond calmly. Their temper is their problem you don’t need to make it yours.
Practice new reactions in yourself to resist, rather than cave in, for fear that someone might shout at you or have a tantrum. If you have a good friend who won’t mind, you could ask them to shout at you and you can practice staying calm, don’t let the volume of someone’s voice frighten you, say to yourself (not aloud) you do not frighten me and poor you, look how your emotions control you.
Feel sorry for bullies
Don’t forget being non-assertive is ok. There is a time and a place for assertiveness. Those who are overly assertive have the real problems. Feeling sorry for someone who is threatening you can give you the edge. Stop you from being afraid and help to respond calmly and with thought.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on February 7th, 2007 | No Comments »
We cover a range of techniques for improving your assertiveness on our 2-day Assertiveness Skills course. Here are our top tips for being more assertive.
Practice Speaking up when you have an idea or opinion
This is one of the most important assertiveness skills and gets easier the more you do it. Once you overcome any anxiety about speaking up you will feel better about yourself, your relationships should improve. If you are used to keeping your opinions to yourself even when it is important to you learning to speak up can be quite liberating.
Practice Standing up for your opinions and stick to them
When you know that asserting yourself may cause conflict it is more difficult to do, but it is important to remember that your opinions are as valid as anyone else’s, even if they tend to be louder then you. Don’t be afraid to say what you think, what is the worst that can happen? In the long term it can be more distressing to harbour resentment from not expressing yourself than facing the conflict involved with showing your true feelings. That does not mean that you have to be rigid, you can change your mind, but not out of fear of what others might think or say. You will gain respect from others standing firm when it matters.
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want
People who are not assertive by nature find it hard to ask of others, however if you simply ask reasonable requests of others you may be surprised how willing others can be to help. Practice asking people for little things and don’t feel bad about asking.
Practice saying no
It’s OK to say no to things you don’t want to do. If something makes you uncomfortable or you haven’t got the time or if someone makes you feel overwhelmed it is reasonable to say “I’m sorry but I can’t”. You can still help others when you have the time or when you want to, but if you can’t you don’t have to feel guilty or obliged.
Learn to accept compliments
Say thank you when someone compliments you, don’t feel embarrassed. You don’t have to start blowing your own trumpet, just smile and accept.
Learn to accept constructive criticism
Nobody is perfect, don’t take it to heart when someone gives you feedback that is not positive. Learn from them, say “yes I see, thank you”. If on the other hand someone is really insulting you unecessarily you would need to stand up and say I don’t think that is appropriate/true, I don’t like being spoken to like that.Learn to tell the difference. It is OK to be wrong sometimes.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on February 20th, 2007 | No Comments »
