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We provide a 2-day assertiveness training course providing comprehensive, hands-on tuition on increasing your assertiveness skills. This free resource provides a range of advice and information to help you as a reference guide:
“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”
Raymond Hull
Those who have been conditioned to please may envy those who can effortlessly ask for what they want and need. Those who have no problem asking for what they want do not usually know that there are others around them bending over backwards to please them.
If you are one of those people who worry about pleasing or offending others to the detriment of your own needs it may be time to think of ways to readdress your fears, build up your confidence and learn to say what you want. It’s no good feeling resentful when others take advantage of you if you are allowing them to. They may not even be aware of your feelings if you do not express them.
What is assertiveness?
Being assertive is the art of getting understood by others by being neither aggressive nor passive, but by stating your needs clearly and effectively.
Assertiveness is:
- Being able to stand up for yourself
- Making sure your opinions and feelings are considered
- Not letting other people always get their way
- A way of communicating and behaving with others that helps people to become more confident and aware of themselves
- A skill that can be learnt
Assertiveness is not:
- Aggressiveness, you can be assertive without being forceful or rude
Almost everyone, at some time will find themselves in situations where they find it difficult to express themselves clearly. Examples might be:
- Dealing with angry people
- Communicating our true feelings to friends and family
- Dealing with unhelpful shop assistants, call centres etc.
Often situations such as these may be dealt with by holding in feelings and not expressing them, or getting angry or simply giving in whilst still holding resentment. This usually leaves a person unhappy, with a feeling of not being in control and the problem remains unresolved.
When these responses to difficult situations become a habit it can lead to a loss of confidence which compounds the problem.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on February 7th, 2007 | No Comments »
“Assertiveness is not what you do, it’s who you are!“
Shakti Gawain
Learn how to be more assertive on our comprehensive Assertiveness Course.
Not knowing how to be assertive can cause you to feel:
- Depressed as a result of unexpressed anger
- Angry at others for manipulating or taking advantage you
- Helpless
- Hopeless
- That you have no control over your life
- Resentful
- Frustrated
- Lonely
You may start to feel despondent and angry with yourself for being weak. You may ask yourself why did I let someone victimise me?
You may find your self at time blowing up with rage, repressed feelings can build up inside us.
Anxiety about situations can lead to avoidance. It is worth learning to feel confident about being assertive in order to move forward and enjoy more that life has to offer.
Being non-assertive can lead to poor relationships at home and a work. Non-assertive people can find it difficult to express emotions of any kind, negative OR positive. Relationships that work usually consist of two people that can tell each other what they want and need and how the other person affects them. Other people cannot read your mind. Learning to be assertive can lead to more fulfilling relationships at home and at work.
Not being able to express your feelings can lead to physical complaints like headaches, ulcers, and high blood pressure. Stress causes all kinds of complaints, and learning to be assertive can relieve stress and anxiety.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on February 7th, 2007 | No Comments »
Learn to Be Assertive In a Positive Way
You could break this down into four stages
1. Change the way you react to situations:
You need to change the way in which you see assertive behaviour. Work on developing a belief system which allows you to assert yourself. This may take some work. It means:
- Giving yourself permission to be angry
- Learning to say “No”
- Feeling it is OK to ask for help
- Not beating yourself up when you make mistakes
Basically it is all about building self confidence and self esteem. Learning to be assertive means working in these areas too.
2. Learn some Assertiveness Skills.
You could develop your assertiveness skills through attending our Assertiveness Training Course.
3. Use good communication skills
Learn to use your body language and control your feelings and reactions.
- Maintain direct eye contact
- Keep your posture open and relaxed
- Be sure your facial expression agrees with the message
- Keep a level, well-modulated tone of voice
- Select an appropriate time to be assertive
4. Practice
You won’t learn how to become a more assertive person just by reading, you will need to practice. You can practice on your friends and family, choose someone understanding and it is best to tell them what you are doing first! Ask for feedback on how you’re doing. In the long run, communicating honestly can help your relationships.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on February 7th, 2007 | No Comments »
Being assertive and building your self confidence is not really difficult. Nor does it mean becoming excessively dominant. Becoming assertive means learning to:
- Resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people
- Stand up to bullies
- Have more control in situations that are important
Learn a range of techniques to be more assertive on our Assertiveness Training Course.
First let’s look at the character traits of the overly controlling and dominant.
Most people are not naturally assertive. Excessively dominant people are driven by their personality and usually by their insecurities. It is these overbearing and dictatorial personalities that present most problems for those trying to learn to improve their own reasonable levels of assertiveness. Excessively dominant people are usually bullies, they need to dominate others because they are too insecure to allow others any amount of control even if it would be reasonable to do so. It is usually deeply ingrained in their personalities, caused by events from their past. Their inability to allow others to question them makes it unlikely that they will change. It is not your job to try and change them, what you need to do is learn to change yourself, so that you can retain your self respect and develop ways to have your needs considered.
Non assertive people will usually give in to the excessively dominant, for fear of aggression or disapproval, unfortunately this simple reinforces the behaviour of the bully. He/She is getting what they want – total compliance. They have been practicing this behaviour for a long time, probably since childhood and found that it works for them. They get what they want, they satisfy their ego, and they take total control. They often surround themselves by people who will not question them because they are afraid of judgment, scrutiny, and interference. As these people have learned to behave like this, it is not something that they can easily control. One of the hardest things for the non assertive person to do, but a very important step is to feel sympathy for the bully!
Learning to be assertive is not learning to be a bully; it is learning to resist the pressure and dominance of bullies. Learning the techniques below is a good start. If you persevere and succeed you will definitely improve your self esteem and feel better about yourself. You must learn to choose when to be assertive, non-assertiveness is appropriate in many situations. You may need to be assertive to be able to defend yourself, and make choices. It is about taking control of your own life, not controlling others.
Techniques and methods for developing self-confidence and more assertive behaviour
Be prepared
If you about to discuss something that is important to you have as many facts as you can at hand before you start any discussion. Bullies usually dominate through force and reputation. State the facts clearly and do not deviate. Dominant people will often try and throw you by bringing irrelevant criticism into a discussion, do not be tempted to defend yourself, just bring the conversation back around, say something like, I would like to discuss the point in hand, and repeat your request or point of view. If possible prepare your facts, do your research, then you will be able to make a firm case, and be perceived as being someone who is organised and firm.
Anticipate other people’s behaviour and prepare your responses
Think about how the discussion might go – role-play in your mind how things are likely to happen. Think about what the other person might say and prepare responses. You will be more confident if you are prepared then being assertive will come more naturally to you.
Prepare good open questions.
Using good open questions will expose any flaws in other people’s arguments. Asking good questions is the most reliable way of keeping a discussion on track. They can be used to diffuse an aggressor or steer the discussion back to the point in question if the other person digresses into a personal attack. Ask what evidence someone has to back up their viewpoint. Ask if they have consulted anyone else. Ask them if they have any alternatives. If the discussion is personal in nature, you may wish to ask, how do you think that makes me feel? If your questions are ignored, don’t be put off, just repeat or rephrase it.
Practice new reactions to facing aggressiveness
There are ways in which you can help yourself by relearning ways of reacting to dominant people:
- You can learn new and more effective ways that can give you more time to compose your response; dominant people can fire their opinions at you like rapid machine gun fire, causing you to loose control
- You can learn to be firm and repeat your message and not be knocked off course.
An easy way to start is simply by visualising yourself being firmer, asking clearly for what you want/need, asking clear precise questions, and presenting well-prepared argument supported with facts.
You may need to learn to give yourself time, and ask for it. Don’t be bulldozed into giving an instant response, say:
- I need time to consider what you have said
- I’m not sure about that
- I need more time to make a decision
- I don’t want to be rushed
- OK let me think about that and I’ll get back to you
The fear of being shouted at can be a real discouragement to standing up for yourself. Just think, what is the worst that can happen if someone shouts? Now think, what’s the worst that can happen if I allow people to walk all over me? It could be that as a child you learned to avoid confrontation and arguments. You may associate shouting with bad memories or feelings. The truth is when someone shouts at you are not physically hurt, it is your own reaction to the shouting that causes you discomfort and anxiety. You can control your own feelings and reactions with practice. Breathe deeply, relax and watch the other person loose their temper, and then respond calmly. Their temper is their problem you don’t need to make it yours.
Practice new reactions in yourself to resist, rather than cave in, for fear that someone might shout at you or have a tantrum. If you have a good friend who won’t mind, you could ask them to shout at you and you can practice staying calm, don’t let the volume of someone’s voice frighten you, say to yourself (not aloud) you do not frighten me and poor you, look how your emotions control you.
Feel sorry for bullies
Don’t forget being non-assertive is ok. There is a time and a place for assertiveness. Those who are overly assertive have the real problems. Feeling sorry for someone who is threatening you can give you the edge. Stop you from being afraid and help to respond calmly and with thought.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on February 7th, 2007 | No Comments »
A study by american psychologists claims that simply behaving in a bold manner can make you happy. Their research supports the idea that any extrovert behaviour has a positive impact on your mood. This research is documented in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
“I don’t think it’s the only way to find happiness, but I do think it’s a neglected way,” said Associate Professor Will Fleeson, a psychologist at Wake Forest University led the study claims that although it is not the only answer to finding happiness it is a much neglected way of achieving a good self image and a positive feeling, saying “People too often look outside themselves for things to make them happy.”
There were 50 students involved in the study. They recorded answers to set questions on palmtops for up to 10 weeks, recording their moods and activities. Bold or outgoing activities such as singing aloud, freestyle dancing, and plucking up the courage to approach someone they found attractive boosted the mood of the student for some time after the event or action.
Professor Fleeson remarked that: “Every single student in the study was happier when he or she acted extroverted than when he or she acted introverted…Even introverts can act extroverted and become happier by changing their behaviour.”
So whether you are alone or in company making a concious effort to be more extrovert, singing in the car or shower, dancing to some music or approaching others to initiate conversation can make you feel happy. Activities such as climbing mountains or going for a brisk walk can have a positive effect. Practice being more talkative or more assertive, voice your opinion or ask more a questions.
Fleeson promotes the idea that your happiness is ultimately in your own hands, it comes from the inside not from the outside. It’s up to you to choose to become more outgoing, even if you are reserved and shy by nature you can work on this little by little by choosing to practice some of the things mentioned above. Be a little more assertive, adventurous, outgoing etc – you have the power to be happy.
A range of techniques for improving your assertiveness are covered on our 2-day Assertiveness & Confidence Building training course
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on October 9th, 2007 | 4 Comments »
The key to being able to practice respectful assertiveness skills is confidence.
Learning to control your negative thoughts is a fantastic skill that will save a lot of worry and help you enjoy your life more. If there is something you would like to do just do it. If you worry that you won’t be good enough you’ll never get to try things that would give you so much pleasure. It’s not how good the final result is its the enjoyment of just doing something you like.
Remember:
“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.”
Vincent Van Gogh
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on February 7th, 2009 | No Comments »
Being assertive is all about being in the right frame of mind and having the right attitude. You have to be not only willing and able to try your best but to also have the self confidence to make your opinions heard and your work noticed. You can have all the talent and ability in the world but if you don’t have the right attitude you are going to find it very hard to ever get anywere. Techniques for developing the right attitude and challenging your beliefs are covered on our 2-day Assertiveness course.
The simple truth is that in a workplace or company poeple are only interested in themselves at the end of the day. They want to do as well as they can and so should you. This is not a bad trait and it does not meant that all people are selfish or nasty it just means that they want to fulfil their potential.
Believe it or not this works to your advantage, this is because people who want to go far will want to work with the best, so as to get the best results. So if you can somehow establish yourself as one of the best or someone who at leasts knows what they are doing you are immediatley more of an attractive proposition to any one tihnking of putting together a team etc.
However getting to be thought of as “one of the best” is not an easy think to accomplish, it takes confidence, self belief and knowledge. What you have to realise is that you will not be judged for trying to get acnowledgement for your work or making your opinion heard, indeed this is highly valued as it helps to motivate and spark other ideas even if yours is not the one they choose in the end.
Assertiveness is all about self belief and making your talents known, it is a purely mental exercise in assuredness, confidence and ability.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on April 27th, 2009 | No Comments »
Once you have been practising your assertiveness skills, you should have built up your self confidence, but how do you instill confidence in others at work?
- Make sure that employees have the skills to do their job well (this may involve training or getting colleagues to mentor each other and share skills
- Making sure your objectives are clear and that the workforce knows exactly what is expected of them
- Give others authority and accountability in decision making
- Make sure that people get recognition for their achievements
- Give workers opportunities to meet new challenges
Confidence in the workforce comes from knowing what to do and how to do it.
Learn how to instill confidence in others at work on our Assertiveness Course.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness on September 11th, 2007 | No Comments »
