“Never feel bad for being assertive, speaking your mind, and putting your foot down. What you think is anger, others see as a good solid display of self-esteem. ” – Alison James
This guest post from our Assertiveness & Confidence Building trainer Sophie explains how assertiveness leads to improved self-confidence. The full 2-day workshop covers techniques for confidence building and boosting self esteem.
Positive communication
It is important to note that being assertive is not about being aggressive.
Assertiveness is a form of positive communication that can be learnt and applied to all areas of your life. It is the skill of knowing and defending your rights but at the same time understanding that others have rights too.
When someone is asserting themselves their primary focus should be on reaching a joint solution, which meets the needs of both people involved. In other words ‘I’m OK and you’re OK’. It is not about getting angry or making someone bow to your demands. This type of aggressive communication is manipulative and threatening and not at all considerate of other people. Equally other non-assertive ways to communicate include passive and passive-aggressive behaviours. Read the rest of "How Being Assertive Leads to Greater Self-Confidence"
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Posted by Guest Author in Assertiveness Training, Management Skills Training on February 10th, 2012 | No Comments »
assertiveness training - stop worrying what other people think
People who suffer from a compulsion to please others in order to gain approval, or the feel constant fear of the disapproval of others usually have low self esteem. We offer effective an thought provoking Assertiveness and Confidence Building Course in Brighton, Sussex. For more information on the next Assertiveness Training Course call 01273 622272.
Do You Suffer from an Addiction to the Opinions of Others?
Ask yourself the following questions:
- Do you worry about what others people are saying or think about you?
- Are you sometimes afraid to act even when you think you have a good idea or your intentions are good?
- Do you spend more than you need to on clothes, cars, home furnishings etc?
- Do you constantly seek approval or avoid disapproval?
- Are you afraid to speak in public?
- Are you afraid to speak your mind?
The addiction to approval otherwise known as the disease to please, can get in the way of living. It is impossible to practice healthy assertiveness if you are constantly afraid of disapproval. Does it really matter what someone else thinks?
Decisions that are inhibited by worry about what other people might think are driven by a need for approval, and/or ensuring that we don’t receive disapproval from others. The need for approval has been conditioned in us from the day we were born.
Many believe that approval from others builds a sense of higher self-esteem, however to constantly deny oneself in order to appease does exactly the opposite. Why then do we convince ourselves that the recognition of others matters to our self worth and how deeply we value ourselves.
Before making any life changing decisions we worry what our spouses, family, friends and colleagues will think of us. Of course when the lives of others will be affected by a decision this may need to be factored in, but what they they will think of us should bear little weight, and sometimes we need to make decisions that others will not be pleased about. For example sometimes it is necessary to make decisions to change a situation that is making you increasingly miserable despite the consequences. A career change, a house move, or ending a relationship for example. Sometimes the only solution is to do what is right for you, no matter the outcome. When you are able to let go of caring too much about what other people think and make your decisions free and clear of other people’s opinions, you can easily and powerfully move forward and make changes in your life.
This doesn’t just apply to the big decisions either, a new haircut, a new routine, giving up a responsibility that has got too much, all decisions can be effected by worrying too much about what others might think.
Some people sweat over every detail before taking a decision, they do not ask for advise but they take a lot of time and worry about every detail. They choose to make their decisions on their own as a way of avoiding being rejected. Others constantly seek the opinions of others, asking for their approval in ways such as, “Do you agree?,” “Am I right?,” “Do I look OK?,” and “Am I doing the right thing” They simply can’t move forward without the validation from others.
Have you ever come up with an idea that you thought was brilliant, just to be knocked back by a lack or support or a derogatory comment. You have allowed someone else to stop you before you ever had the chance to get your idea off the ground. Your dream just died because the opinion of someone meant more to you than your dream. What makes their opinion more important than your brilliant idea? – You do! Imagine if the founders of Apple, Facebook and Google gave up the first time someone told them “no”.
An addiction to the opinion of others affects every area of your life, it represses us, it stunts our creativity, it lowers our self esteem (even though we do it for the opposite effect – how mad is that?) “If I do this, they will say that. ” “If I say that they will do this” If you let yourself constantly worry about other peoples opinions you will never be happy because you will always believe that people are judging you. Also if people are judging you – what makes their opinion more important than yours? – You do! Wake up – it is not easy being miserable so that everyone else is OK and thinks that you are great. The truth is probably more like people will have more respect for you if you are not afraid to respectfully share your opinions, and if you have the confidence to challenge people or situations when you feel it necessary. OK you may find yourself in some difficult situations at first (difficult for you because you will usually avoid confrontation at all costs even to your own detriment) , but people will have to treat you differently or at least acknowledge your opinion and that can feel liberating, magic even if you are not used to it. Nothing is for ever, every mood and situation passes, and it’s OK to do something even if it doesn’t suit everybody.
When we believe our opinion counts and make decisions, do things and say things independently, regardless of others opinions we are more likely to make decisions that move our life forward because we’re no longer holding ourselves back. Remember that – it’s not those other people who hold us back – we give them control without even letting them know! To live according to the opinion of someone else is to hold yourself back.
It takes practice and courage to not place any level of importance on someone else’s opinion. Remember, an opinion is not fact. It may not even be the truth. It is merely someone else’s view about an issue that is based solely on personal judgement and therefore should not have any impact on your choices!
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness Training on September 24th, 2010 | 2 Comments »
Assertiveness is not something that comes particularly easily to some people and these people often convince themselves that it is not worth their time and energy to even try and be assertive. However whilst this is an easy excuse it is not correct. Learn the benefits of being assertive on our Assertiveness Training Course in Brighton, Sussex.
People who are more assertive than most are more likely to be fulfilled in their work and their lives as they are not afraid to ask for what they want or go after it. It is also the case that due to this attitude it is far more likely that they fulfill their potential, again both socially and at work. In turn this will lead to them being more satisfied with their lives and so more happy and at ease. They will not be as stressed as others since they have less to be stressed about and live healthier and happier lives.
The same cannot be said for those who are too passive or afraid to ever be assertive. Whilst those who are assertive are more likely to be successful and more fulfilled at work, for those who are too passive the opposite is all too often true. Due to not being able to be taken seriously or make themselves heard, they will not have achieved as much as they could have and are left less than their potential and ability dictated they could achieve. The same can be said outside of the workplace, i.e. their social lives.
On the other hand however those of us who are too aggressive will again only help to hinder their performance both in and out of work. They will often be too abrasive for many people to get along with, this means that people won’t want to work with them, and they certainly won’t want to strike up any relationship with them. Getting along with people is a big part of any working environment and is a necessity if you ever wish to progress through the ranks. Being too aggressive will also harm those around you as they are may be too afraid of you to offer any opinions or ideas and so your very presence is stifling to any creative thought, it is also true that because of this you alienate you from your team members and you will be left out.
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Posted by Heather Buckley in Assertiveness Training on April 17th, 2009 | No Comments »
