Being assertive and building your self confidence is not really difficult. Nor does it mean becoming excessively dominant. Becoming assertive means learning to:
- Resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people
- Stand up to bullies
- Have more control in situations that are important
Learn a range of techniques to be more assertive on our Assertiveness Training Course in Brighton, Sussex.
First let’s look at the character traits of the overly controlling and dominant.
Most people are not naturally assertive. Excessively dominant people are driven by their personality and usually by their insecurities. It is these overbearing and dictatorial personalities that present most problems for those trying to learn to improve their own reasonable levels of assertiveness. Excessively dominant people are usually bullies, they need to dominate others because they are too insecure to allow others any amount of control even if it would be reasonable to do so. It is usually deeply ingrained in their personalities, caused by events from their past. Their inability to allow others to question them makes it unlikely that they will change. It is not your job to try and change them, what you need to do is learn to change yourself, so that you can retain your self respect and develop ways to have your needs considered.
Non assertive people will usually give in to the excessively dominant, for fear of aggression or disapproval, unfortunately this simple reinforces the behaviour of the bully. He/She is getting what they want – total compliance. They have been practicing this behaviour for a long time, probably since childhood and found that it works for them. They get what they want, they satisfy their ego, and they take total control. They often surround themselves by people who will not question them because they are afraid of judgement, scrutiny, and interference. As these people have learned to behave like this, it is not something that they can easily control. One of the hardest things for the non assertive person to do, but a very important step is to feel sympathy for the bully!
Learning to be assertive is not learning to be a bully; it is learning to resist the pressure and dominance of bullies. Learning the techniques below is a good start. If you persevere and succeed you will definitely improve your self esteem and feel better about yourself. You must learn to choose when to be assertive, non-assertiveness is appropriate in many situations. You may need to be assertive to be able to defend yourself, and make choices. It is about taking control of your own life, not controlling others.
Techniques and methods for developing self-confidence and more assertive behaviour
Be prepared
If you about to discuss something that is important to you have as many facts as you can at hand before you start any discussion. Bullies usually dominate through force and reputation. State the facts clearly and do not deviate. Dominant people will often try and throw you by bringing irrelevant criticism into a discussion, do not be tempted to defend yourself, just bring the conversation back around, say something like, I would like to discuss the point in hand, and repeat your request or point of view. If possible prepare your facts, do your research, then you will be able to make a firm case, and be perceived as being someone who is organised and firm.
Anticipate other people’s behaviour and prepare your responses
Think about how the discussion might go – role-play in your mind how things are likely to happen. Think about what the other person might say and prepare responses. You will be more confident if you are prepared then being assertive will come more naturally to you.
Prepare good open questions.
Using good open questions will expose any flaws in other people’s arguments. Asking good questions is the most reliable way of keeping a discussion on track. They can be used to diffuse an aggressor or steer the discussion back to the point in question if the other person digresses into a personal attack. Ask what evidence someone has to back up their viewpoint. Ask if they have consulted anyone else. Ask them if they have any alternatives. If the discussion is personal in nature, you may wish to ask, how do you think that makes me feel? If your questions are ignored, don’t be put off, just repeat or rephrase it.
Practice new reactions to facing aggressiveness
There are ways in which you can help yourself by relearning ways of reacting to dominant people:
- You can learn new and more effective ways that can give you more time to compose your response; dominant people can fire their opinions at you like rapid machine gun fire, causing you to loose control
- You can learn to be firm and repeat your message and not be knocked off course.
An easy way to start is simply by visualising yourself being firmer, asking clearly for what you want/need, asking clear precise questions, and presenting well-prepared argument supported with facts.
You may need to learn to give yourself time, and ask for it. Don’t be bulldozed into giving an instant response, say:
- I need time to consider what you have said
- I’m not sure about that
- I need more time to make a decision
- I don’t want to be rushed
- OK let me think about that and I’ll get back to you
The fear of being shouted at can be a real discouragement to standing up for yourself. Just think, what is the worst that can happen if someone shouts? Now think, what’s the worst that can happen if I allow people to walk all over me? It could be that as a child you learned to avoid confrontation and arguments. You may associate shouting with bad memories or feelings. The truth is when someone shouts at you are not physically hurt, it is your own reaction to the shouting that causes you discomfort and anxiety. You can control your own feelings and reactions with practice. Breathe deeply, relax and watch the other person loose their temper, and then respond calmly. Their temper is their problem you don’t need to make it yours.
Practice new reactions in yourself to resist, rather than cave in, for fear that someone might shout at you or have a tantrum. If you have a good friend who won’t mind, you could ask them to shout at you and you can practice staying calm, don’t let the volume of someone’s voice frighten you, say to yourself (not aloud) you do not frighten me and poor you, look how your emotions control you.
Feel sorry for bullies
Don’t forget being non-assertive is ok. There is a time and a place for assertiveness. Those who are overly assertive have the real problems. Feeling sorry for someone who is threatening you can give you the edge. Stop you from being afraid and help to respond calmly and with thought.
